Written by Juliana Heng

POETRY | Autumn by Juliana Heng

When I was a kid,
I was an oddball.
Nobody wanna play with me,
except Autumn.

Autumn plays with me everyday
Have meals with me during recess
and went to the library with me to disappear
into good books together.

I cannot focus on my homework.
Autumn coaxed me gently :
“Finish your homework fast fast,
then we can play together!”
We finished our homework before school ended.
Such maturity for a young child.

Autumn is an enigma.
The moment she landed her eyes
on your phone number & IC number,
she will call you on your birthday every year
without the need to jot down!

One day, some of my classmates said to me :
“Loser, you are unworthy
& won’t amount to anything in life!”
As the world around me crashes,
Autumn came over to cup my ears,
mouthing these words :
“You are awesome,
You are enough,
You are loved.”

Autumn is not perfect.
Autumn can be hard to hang out with at times.
Her obsession with order &
straight lines in her homework,
random echoing of people’s words,
peculiar way of clapping her hands,
can be very annoying.

She disliked it when I hug strangers.
“Hey, you gotta know the person first
before letting them hug you, k?

Despite her Yin & Yang,
I enjoyed her company most of the time.
She taught me
how not to give a fuck
& love myself no matter what!

We studied hard & graduated!

Now comes the time to find a job.
I went for a job interview,
aced it and got hired.

“Congratulations, Juliana!
You are hired!”
“Thanks, can you do me a favour?”
“What will that be?”

“Can you hire my special friend?
Her name is Autumn.
She is a hard worker
with strong work ethic.

My boss said :
“I am sorry.
We only hired you.
Leave Autumn out of this.”

I was shocked.
I was sad.
Because Autumn is not just a friend.
Autumn is a part of me.
Autumn is the name of my autism.

As an autistic,
we are earnestly seeking acceptance.

Hear me out : “We are so unique
that people find it so hard to understand
& labelled us as a puzzle
when in fact we are the one who completes the puzzle.

My nickname as a child is Jar Jar Binks.
Given by my own mum.
Because I am awkward & drop things often.

In Star Wars, people said that
Jar Jar Binks is George Lucas’s mistake.

I disagreed.
Perhaps George is already factoring
“Neurodiversity” & “Autism Acceptance”
into Star Wars to include
this special group of people.

A friend once asked me to park
at a disabled parking spot.
I said I can’t because I don’t have an OKU card.

My friend asked me why I did not apply.
I said I will never apply unless they change it to
OBU ~ Orang Beza Upaya.

The first 2 letters of Autism is “AU”.
“AU” is the symbol for gold
in the Periodic Table of Elements.
Therefore, the inner world of an autistic is GOLD.

*** Header image by vcnestasozinhx from Pixabay

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