I have been warned
about getting heartbroken.
Every time I was about to give in,
they would chip in advice.
“You feel too much, you scare people away. You shouldn’t be falling for these guys. You’re making a mistake. This isn’t what you want. You’re just crazy about love because you’re lonely.”
This time, I walked in on a soul,
just like mine.
Damaged, shattered, and in pieces.
That’s what made you special.
I saw a complete reflection of myself.
I was careful, to not lose myself this time.
All I did was, try to heal your bruises.
Everything you never opened up,
everything you bottled up
while being broken.
While I was mending your cracks,
you fell with the idea of me.
I did too with all your bruises.
We were never possible.
You were so sure of that.
Alas, all we did was be mature about the choices laying in front of us
waiting to be chosen.
You taught me rhythms,
I’ll be singing the tunes.
Parted ways, I was as scarred
as you were at first.
I hope you took something mine too.
Something I can’t replace.
I apologize for the fantasies
I pressed over you.
Unlucky us, loved and wronged by the wrong people.
Leaving hideous cuts and blood
for some other to fix.
Hopeless romantics demand closure,
a closure for every beginning.
I hope I gave that to you.
A closure for your aching, exhausted heart.
— a few years later —
As I walked through the aisle of books, I saw a familiar figure.
I can feel the walls closing me in as I take a step closer to the figure standing a few feet from me.
Maybe others would see it as walking to hell. As for me, I think I’m home again. It was you.
We awkwardly stared into each other eyes, losing ourselves for a second.
A few hours after, we find ourselves melting while watching the sunset. At the very place where we argued how the sunset is not your favourite but mine.
At that very moment, I had both my favourites, the sunset and you.
“Remember when you said you place your home in people?” he broke the silence.
“Yes,” I answered.
“Why? Didn’t your ‘home’ feel like home to you?”
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”
“My ‘home’ never felt like home at least for me. My home has always been in people. Has, is and maybe will always be. I drown in my own ‘home’ and never once did anyone notice it. I never asked for anything. I don’t want anything but a little appreciation and a little amount of love. I found them in temporary people, and some became lifelong friends. That’s how my life has been.”
I continued after a long sigh “You are not the first pair of eyes that I’ve confused for home, but you were by far the hardest to leave.”
He was stunned for a moment.
“How can emptiness feel so heavy?” he asked.
“Emptiness happens when you leave pieces of you in things you used to love.”
“Some spaces that I have just meant to be filled by people I used to love. I want to be so full that I could light the whole world, but being full comes with a price. There’s a whole fountain in me that is yet to be discovered and one day, it will fall like no other day.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot,” he said with ease.
“How long is forever?”
“Sometimes just a second, sometimes an eternity. Depends on who you’re with.”
“That’s what I want with you, forever. That lasts an eternity. I’m sorry I messed up. I love you. I want that grand poetic gesture reaching for closure with you, only you” my heart whispered loudly.
I felt a vale of emotions, pulled back, and said, “It’s time to go”. I left, I left you, I left everything we could have been.
Because I will never do what you did to me.
I will never and can never ignore you the way you did.
I can never deny my feelings.
I always accept my big feelings.
I’ll admit my feelings are my doom.
One day my feelings will drown me to death.
But, I’m glad even we did not have a closure.
I finally accepted everything you did, all your ignorance, all your anger, and all the talks we shared.
Your words will be my closure.
Your words won’t fail me, the way you failed me.
I will always remember how you made me feel. All the glances you gave me. All the smiles, the tears, and all the cuts you made on me. All the heavy feelings I had because of you. Heartbreaks should not be discriminated against. Sometimes you might wanna get over someone you didn’t date. Heartbreaks should not come with labels either. Heartbreaks are subjective. You have it when you have it. Like girls, guys too are entitled to have heartbreaks. Unlike us, they tend to do it a little differently. Relationships are sometimes a bizarre thing. I always wonder why should we label bonds, and why can’t we let people figure out where they’re standing without a third party to compel them to label what is their status. Society has always been judgemental about this, and I believe society has no idea to stop in the near future.
I believe that every heartbreak deserves a mourning period. Just until you feel like yourself again. Mourn until you feel better until you feel like going out again. Feelings are real regardless of gender. Feelings don’t need a label either if you feel you feel. It’s going to be sleepless nights, no appetite, crying to sleep, and even tubs of icecreams. People will try to justify all your reactions toward a breakup. The hardest part of moving on is they don’t realize you’re hurting. But, you keep doing it no matter the distraction. Accept the pain that consumes you, one day it will definitely stop. Pull away slowly whenever they reach out. This is not all about you.
A new life is always going to cost you something, in this case, your old one.
Cover image by cottonbro studio / Pexels. The copyright of ‘Love Caught Off Guard’ belongs to Firzana R.